A few weeks ago, I felt like I had been stripped naked, running around a public street looking for shelter. Trying to find something to cover me up. Maybe a steel shield? Anything that would protect me. Protect my heart. It is how I felt in being vulnerable, scared and in many ways alone. I was lost and in unknown territories. My only source of comfort or relief at that time was a bottle of wine. For a dancer that is quite active, it is not something that I should have ever gravitated too. But alas, it was something that temporarily took away the pain I was feeling.
I couldn’t live there for too long however. That is, living in the pain I had become uncomfortably comfortable with. There were many voices of reason that would pull me out of my state, giving me hope and allowing me to just be. Without judgement or criticism. There was no blame to be handed out. Just a new perspective to eventually adopt and to allow that perspective to become my own.
So how can a girl like me, with many friends and loved ones around her, feel like this in the first place? I’ve been asking myself the same thing. Until most recently, I stopped asking and just let it be.
I found that the level of pain I was feeling brought me into a new level of consciousness – a new awakening. I was beginning to see things more clearly and making decisions accordingly. And if there wasn’t a decision to be made, I would just step aside and observe. With the trust that if I was to make a decision it would come at the right time.
When I lived in my pain, I remember thinking that I would never open up again. Never allow anyone to get close to me or see me as being vulnerable. As time has passed, I realized how wrong that would be. And that in order to love, I must trust in the people around me. And in order to be an artist, I must learn to let go and believe.
For the past few weeks, I’ve done just that. I’ve let go, given myself a break and started to enjoy things I once used to love to do. Dance is one of them. I find myself getting really excited about rehearsals and teaching. I take moments to dance in my living room or in the middle of the streets! I have given myself a free pass to be the free spirit that I know that I AM.
And as I unleash my feelings in these blogs or vlogs, I find myself reaching to a new level of trust. I’m not sure where it is going to take me but for right now, I’m enjoying the ride.
Until next time, this is my confession.